For over 40 years I have been trying to clean out my closets. Not the physical ones that exist in my home, although they could surely use some cleaning, also. But, rather, the cluttered closets of my mind and psyche. I discovered that my internal closets were cluttered when I began to study astrology, psychology, & yoga. The first clue came in my 20’s when I was told by a reputable astrologer that the moon lived in the 12th house of my natal chart. Something deep inside of me immediately became curious and I thus began my search, my quest, my journey to fully and completely understand me.I was 57 years old November, 2006 and today I can look back farther and look out further than ever before. The journey I set out on so long ago has become a never-ending journey into what Carl Jung calls the ‘collective unconscious’. Thank God (dess) for the North Node Aries to remind me that I am here also to learn about individuality amidst the watery depths of the collective.
Recently, I experienced what is called a Soul Retrieval. This ‘journeying’ technique is used by many different shamans to aid and assist us in becoming whole and healed. The intention of the journey is to re-unite my current self with split-off pieces of my soul.
What the shaman revealed to me afterwards gave me another perspective to integrate into my understanding of my self.
Here’s what the shaman saw.
She saw me, huddling in a dark closet, fearful & afraid. My beloved family was being violently removed from our home by soldiers. I could hear the sounds and feel the vibrations of powerful movements happening just on the other side of the door. I cowered and shook in the dark, trying to catch my breath. After a while it became silent. Darkness surrounded me still. I ventured out slowly, as quietly as I could. No one was there. The place looked a mess. I was in shock…..frozen right where I was standing, paralyzed, immobilized. I am 12 years old (give or take a year or two) and I’m totally alone in a hostile world. My family is gone, either forcibly taken, or simply disappeared.
I do not survive this test. Death came soon.
It was explained to me by the shaman that this was my most recent past life experience and has had huge impact on this life. (Our past life experiences can be somewhat found by studying the 12th house in our natal charts.)
When we discover new pieces of ourselves, by what ever means we do this, it takes some time to integrate the information until we ‘feel’ okay again. But, what does ‘feel okay’ mean? I have struggled with the questions and confusions around feelings for most of my life. The problem with feelings is that you feel them, and not all those feelings feel good. In the moment of feeling a preference for something is born and the life of duality becomes the norm. I prefer to feel good. I don’t like to feel bad.
But what if we just felt the feeling, in ease, without any commentary or concern as to whether or not it’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’? Can we learn to simply just feel, without the commentary or the suffering as Gautama, The Buddah teaches? For me this is where my lifelong study and practice of eastern philosophy, particularly Yoga has really paid off.
Today, I still live in the closet, my moon in the 12th house has learned a lot thru the astrological perspective of Progression but it still has its roots in the 12th house. The difference today is that the lights are on and the walls of my closet are transparent allowing interaction with the outside world. And, I’ve made it way past 12 years old…….
Healing is another story. For that we look to Chiron, an asteroid orbiting between Saturn & Uranus. But that’s for another day.